The Golf Gospel According to St. Titleist

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

— Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

— John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

— Robert Lynd

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.

— Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.

— Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.

— Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

— William Wordsworth

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.

— Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.

— Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

— Bishop Sheen

I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.

— Arnold Palmer

My handicap? Woods and irons.

— Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.

— Pete Dye

I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!

— Buddy Hackett

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.

— Billy Graham

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

— Jack Lemmon

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

— Mark Twain

Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

— Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.

— Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

— Ben Hogan

If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.

— Anon

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.

— George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

— Lee Trevino

Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.

— Woody Woodbury


The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and cell phone out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.

— Anon